i wish i could shut my brain off.
this is seriously unhealthy, and i’m not just talking about the sleep deprivation and the fact i have an interview tomorrow. rant.
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i wish i could understand men, i really do.
“girls just want to fuck me, not date me”.
well no, really? if you go into a relationship with someone and start off as fuck buddies, i just wonder what the relationship will be defined as.
and then when you find someone who likes you for the man you are and you run. FAST. not even the decency to tell her what went wrong. what did i do to fuck shit up? you told me one of your deepest darkest secrets, one supposedly not a soul outside your family knows. i cherished that. i cherished you. you made me smile, you made me want to improve my life. i wanted to help you improve your life, and make you smile. but you ran. FAST. not even the decency to continue the friendship, even though she told you the only thing she wants is for you to be happy. it sucks being your friend, because i’m watching you spiral further and further into unhappiness. further and further into alcohol, punching shit to the point you break your hand…it’s concerning. and who’s there to help you? this girl? no, under her care, i’ve just seen you get a whole lot worse. but i can’t do anything, because it’s not my place. it’s hers. besides, i’ll be seen as the jealous bitch who can’t let you go. i know i could if it was the right thing, but it’s not. i can feel it in my heart. for whatever reason, i trusted you far too quickly, and that means something to me.
i just want a resolution. i want to know why you don’t think we’d work. you’d hurt me? well, that’s what happens when you get to know someone. you’re not feeling it? i don’t believe that for a second either. you wouldn’t open up like you do to me. and let’s assume for a second that that you told the truth with the latter… a. why the fuck didn’t you let me know sooner? you didn’t know? bullshit. b. is it because i didn’t put out so quickly? if that’s the reason why, that’s bullshit, too. i told you i don’t do that shit lightly, only if i trusted someone. i trusted you. i told you that i could see it happening between us. i know you had shit happen in your past that reminds you of me, but i’m not her. i’m me. and look how far i’d come already. sure, i was nervous as fuck, but it was new, and it’s because i wasn’t convinced you were truly into me, for good reason. what were you doing with someone like me? you’re unquestionably attractive…me, not so much. and you said wanted to take things slow with me- not for my own benefit, but for yours. probably because, as you said, girls just want to fuck you, not date you.
so until you figure your shit out, i’ll be around, figuring out my own shit. i’ll always be there for you, but don’t treat me like a stranger. please.
